Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
