i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
