my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
