i need an iv and a liver transplant
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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