How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
our cab driver is having phone sex.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
