The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
