You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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