I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
