what if every blade of grass was a penis?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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