I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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