you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
