The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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