Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
