I'm eating all of the evidence.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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