I'm pants shitting drunk right now
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
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He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
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Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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