That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
