You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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