so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
