piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
