The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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