Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
