if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
