apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
