Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
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Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
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Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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