There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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