you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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