Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize