there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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