We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
