he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
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