SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
