Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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