Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
