awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
