Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
