My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
