Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
