I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
