and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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