Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
