So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
