Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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