we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
