if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
