We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
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The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
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Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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