im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
