Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
