Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
