i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
