just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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