Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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