either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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