I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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