I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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