I think im going to throw up on grandma
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i dont even know how to be here
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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