also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
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I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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