i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
