you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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