I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
