somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
