paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
my poor anus
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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