It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
