sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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