If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
my shit smells like andre
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
