One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
