Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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